MISFITS

Continuation of Days of Sun http://shahzadrupani.blogspot.com/2013/11/days-of-sun.html

Thousands of candidates I watched during admission test for high school, I Prayed a day before after a long time

“Dear God, Let me pass this Test, Mercy”

I abandoned praying for long time, just because it didn’t make any sense to me ever. How I could be selfish in front of God, since he knows everything why should I pray and ask things for myself. But I did pray that day and certainly doubts started building in me, before entering into class I was certain that I won’t be able to make it. Hurriedly I altered my mind and asked myself “How bad you want?”  Answer was simple: “It’s a matter of Life and Death”. And I can’t forget that moment, when a first known face entered into test room, and surprisingly his admit card number was right next to me, a best friend of mine, though we had adversary in our past, but it gave me a sigh of relief for a while.

“I considered that we could never be friends”, I told my friend after 6 years, and he replied with assertive nod. We were sitting in the park in the middle of noon, we had nothing to do, and we didn’t know what to do with our lives, once again the dilemma had stricken. With Faith crises and indulging in many other non-corporative and understandable so called spiritual enlightenment search, our soul had been eaten up with routine. We were in vertigo, and had to decide that what we should do, either to overcome the desire of falling or to let go the fear of Falling. And of course we jumped off the cliff.

Life has small parts which needed to fit altogether in our lives, like a machine works in harmony if all the parts are set accordingly. Sometimes new parts replaces old and sometimes new are added for modification. Same goes with our lives, we constantly meet new people but allowed to be a part of our lives is rare in case. For a while we could like them but soon we realize that this part is misfit in our harmonically aligned life, and we discard them.  

For me it was not new, sometimes I just discarded the best fits too,but this is a part of later story       

Days of Sun

Continuation of Life: It goes on http://shahzadrupani.blogspot.com/2013/11/life-it-goes-on.html

When not to talk is the art rarely possessed by people, and those who know this art are the blessed one. After hopeless result, for the first time I started seeing my life in despair, I began quiet, emotions of aloofness set in me and I started to drift away from people. I saw the hell in heaven and heaven in no place, nature has no longer affect on me and my constant disturb ant state of mind was swirling me in the limbo of my failure and future expectations. It was clear till then that I had no longer motivation for anything in my life.

After 9 years, when I was driving to my work place, I suddenly remember a name, and smile touched my face, swiftly I got some impressions in my mind, and I slipped into 9 years back. Days of nights I have considered to never end, he was the Sun for me, his enthusiasm and believe in me made me believe that I can achieve whatever I want, his constant push was the reason I was able to complete the race at least. “I was blessed” thought by me while driving, it is necessary to have one friend cum teacher who guides you with his full conviction and with all his or her heart, sometimes they stays with you forever and sometimes they don’t, but what they do for you or have done remains inside you forever.  And it is important to remember those things which make you feel the basic principle which we all forget;

“Suffering is part of Life”,

It is upon us how we deal with it, for the very first time help do come in any form, but for second time you have to eliminate that suffering by yourself.

Although a year later I got admission in my desired High school, one of the most prestigious high schools in my city, and all the bitterness of failure converted into sweetness, and time of those Days of Sun set forever in my life, as one day ends another begins. I never saw that person again in my life. 

Life: It goes On

Continuation of In the Rain of Imagination http://shahzadrupani.blogspot.com/2013/11/in-rain-of-imagination.html

The best thing about life is; “It goes on”, in the middle of millions we all are trapped to find our identity, we create our own image out of selection from others behavior; I did the same for several years.

As in the center of identity crisis I started to watch out things as other people did. In summary I had lost my own identity in order to impress others. The worst decision and trust me there is no way out of it, you tend to copy others as and started negotiating with your inner self, settling for minimum bargain and then time comes when you not even bargain, because your inner self is dead till then . But I got my way out later on, as I said before; “change comes slowly and gradually”.

I had to stop thinking so subtlety and should take life as it comes; advised my friend with humor, but I could sense the seriousness between the lines, I had no issues with my life what so ever, but I could not stop my brain, I think 5 to 6 things at a time, processing it imagining it and materialized it with precision. It was just my nature from which I cannot run and I considered myself lucky to have this ability.

After 2 years I struck with insomnia, but this story doesn’t starts here, we all have faced this situation where life doesn’t make any sense, for a while we indulge in our life so immensely and used to of it that we don’t even realize what has to come, without complaining from the very start, we dwell our self into routine, and then entrapped into it, from home to school, and then school to play ground and home back again, world seemed to end on this note. But far beyond in time reality is waiting for all of us. Slowly it approaches us and suddenly with hammer it strikes and we become reaction less.

I had nothing but my good reputation with teachers in school, but it was on verge of destruction when I scored all time low grade in my study time. I had many excuses but deep down inside I knew that I had not done what it takes to achieve what I wanted to achieve. Well enough then I had to worry about my college admission, still a year left in school, in tenth grade, but result which affects most for admission in good college was of ninth grade. And I messed it up pretty well.    

In The Rain of Imagination

It was the stormy night day before when I got sick, just before the summer vacations, that night I didn’t sleep, something about rain that attracts me and we all do feel the same.  In that midsummer night I was being elevated to the hallucination and for a while I felt my life is going to be change forever. But I tell you, it took years to change, because change is a gradual process. At senior year in school finally I had no worries for attendance, because I knew that it doesn't matter anymore.

I was up all night, remembering something from the past that didn't exist in my memory, long before the world was created , I was imagining the exact time of creation, or you can say was trying to imagine it. I closed my eyes and tried to compose all possible scenarios of creation but failed to do so. This kind of impact is done by rain on me at least back then, of course everything was about to change but gradually.

There are some people in our lives whose path crosses ours’ and it does more often than expected, and some people simply run with us. This is extraordinarily established superficial on my part at first, and then fact later on.

It was the time before we had any cell phones, just a serene aloofness which inspires the entire subtle soul of mine. But again what was that all about? I had no clue, but I enjoyed each and every moment.

What could be life without any calm? This moment should never end- Thought I.

We tend to escape things deliberately to ensure our inner self conscious in order to be happy for a moment. And I guess to be happy and enjoying the moment is more important.

 (to be continue)